#227 He loves me despite myself.

#227

There is a phrase my friend Ethel says to me when she’s so grateful for our friendship. It’s usually after I have helped her with something and she thinks she has interrupted my life or I have gone out of my way to help her. It is the phrase, ” Thank you for loving me despite myself.” I always laugh at her when she says that and I really think nothing of those words because the things I do for her are things friends do for eachother. The thing is , no one knows the things my friend Ethel has done for me when she had good eyesight and could drive. The items she has left on my doorstep. All the times God knew I needed and went through my friend to provide . The greatest things you could imagine. The expensive dove chocolate and bottled water that I once threw in my cart like it was nothing . One time I had come home on a wednesday night from church only to find that my friend had left my family stacks of bottle water and bags of chocolate for my children. How did she know ? I never even told her. I never even asked her to do this . The only one that knew what was in my heart was God and I did not ask him for Dove chocolate though it is my favorite chocolate. But how did Ethel know that ? The night my friend did that for me . I remember thanking God for giving me such a friend and providing me the things that he knew I needed giving me the things he knew I wanted despite myself.

Two weeks ago when I heard the talk on the news about a quarantine . The first person I thought about was my friend and that it had been two weeks since I took her grocery shopping. She had been in the hospital one week and the second week my schedule would not allow it. Because we go to the store usually weekly and she rarely stocks up on grocery items as it is just her and she is not much of an eater or one to panic. I was worried that she was gonna lack essentials . When I asked her for a list because I would venture out into the crowd and get her what she needed. Let me just say . That I do not even grocery shop for my own family. My husband does the grocery shopping. One – I battle with compulsive behavior of which I am taking no medications for and it is very hard for me to go into a store in the middle of hysteria and not buy out the store and send my family into bankruptcy because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Two- I have been in self quarentine for six months now . Fourteen months now if you ask my husband . As it is not always easy for me to find the strength or energy to leave the house and face people . Not every medication works for everyone. So one must remember that venturing out into the world is something that I will do for my friend and for my children but it takes alot out of me and it wears me out quickly . Both mentally and physically. If your reading this and you can identify. Know that you are not alone and that you are not crazy. Everyone suffers with something . I find that when I look to the Lord for strength and help others. I forget about my own weakness. So two weeks ago when my friend listed a few items and one was toilet paper . 😬 I had to leave it up to the Lord and ask him to make a way . Because God knows toliet paper these days is hard to find. The funny thing though. God created man long before toliet paper was ever invented and man survived just fine without it somehow. Isn’t funny how spoiled we all have become . Yet God still loves us all and gives us all yet another day in this life and loves us all despite ourselves. What are we gonna do with this day? Get on facebook and complain about the President? Complain about being forced to stay home? Complain about having to go to work ? Complain that the sun is not shining? Complain that our loved one went to be with the Lord? Complain that somone took three packs of toliet paper and three packs of hamburger? Complain that there is no hand sanitizer? Complain that the carry out line was so long and the wait was horriable? Complain that people are on the golf course? Complain that people are driving around in their cars ? Complain that all the kids do is make tik toc videos? I am beginning to think that all the people in this life do is complain. We complain about working and we complain about staying home . If I was God . I would be thinking to myself. You spoiled rotten kids. You are so lucky I do not make it worse on you . Stop complaining or I will. Is that not what you would do to your own child when they do nothing but complain about everything including their own brothers and sisters ? Does it not hurt you to see one of your children be so selfish that they will not share with their other sibling? Does it not make you so angry that you take whatever it is they are hoarding away from the child that is being so stingy that they end up geting nothing? One must remember that God sees who is being stingy and who is sharing. He may let you keep all your toilet paper. All your extra items in your pantry that you may or may not need. But I assure you . He will take something away from you when you least expect it . Just to teach you a lesson in sharing. Not to punish you. But to teach you that sharing is good for you. Because one day . You may need an item and be without and he will call upon someone to be there to leave an item on your doorstep that your in need of and he wants you to feel the feeling and gift of not receiving but the true gift of giving. It is a feeling like no other. To be able to help another brother or sister in Christ and know that God called on you to be there for someone in need. It is a wonderful feeling. God called on me two weeks ago to deliver stuff for my friend . Things that she did not ask for. Things that the Holy Spirit told me she needed . Things I would never have thought of on my own. I left them on her doorstep. And minutes later I received a text from a crying friend who was so overwhelmed with the words. ” Thank you for loving me despite myself. ” My thoughts were , Thank you God for giving me the strength and courage to help my friend and come out of my own personal quarantine and make a way for me that allowed all the items to be found and loving me yesterday, today and forever despite my own selfish self.

#227

One thing I do ask of you if you are reading this . Even if you are not Christian . To please love your neighbors in spite of themselves. Your Brothers and Sisters in Christ. The strangers in the store . The people that you see and nod too. The people that you do not see or even look at. When you see that they have three or four of something in their cart. Please do not judge them . You do not know who they are buying for. My Father has Crohn’s disease and my Mother has COPD. I too , have a family of five. If I am at the store and buy for my family a package of something , a package for my folks and a package for my friend. That is three packages. Am I a hoarder ? No. But if you assume that I am because I am one person pushing one cart in a grocery store and you take a picture of me and post it on facebook and call me a hoarder. You are not only bare false witnessing against your neighbor and breaking the ninth commandment but you are getting others to break the ninth commandment also when they see your post and go along with you. You will be responsible for that and will be answering to God for your actions. So please, in this time of turmoil . I beg you to say nothing and judge no one for what is in their cart because you know what? It is none of your business. Yes I know it is hard that the shelves are all bare in the toliet paper aisle and it is your right as a shopper to feel you deserve a pack of toilet paper because everyone should get one of everything and everyone should share so no one will go without. But wake up. This is life and life was never ment to be an easy road. It was never easy for Jesus and if you are going to follow him . It is not going to be an easy road for you. But there is hope . Because we as Christians have a helper . The Holy Spirit. So when you see an empty toilet paper aisle. DO NOT FRET. God has something better and bigger waiting for you. I promise you. DO NOT GET ANGRY at the person in front of you who has three packages and you have none . DO NOT GET ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING. The world is not going to end because you are going without. God will never let you go without . When you look to him in times of distress and be joyful for your fellow brothers and sisters and neighbors who are comfortable with the things you lack. Thank the Lord for providing for them and thank him for making a way for you. Even if it is not there yet. I have been doing that since the toilet paper aisle has been bare and I have been on the look out for family and friends every chance I get when I do go into a store and do you know what . The last two times I went into a store this week. A shipment came in . Right in front of me. I was not even in the toilet paper aisle. Please my Brothers and Sisters. Do not be angry with your neighbors or jealous of what they have. When you find yourself being resentful or the enemy starts talking you into being jealous. Step back . Give that sin to the Lord and be sorry. You will feel so much better and you will find joy in your own situation and God will give you strength to be steadfast and you will find contentment in what you have. It is only then when he will make a way to give you an abundance of even more then what you need because God above all, loves us despite our own sinful selfish selves and the Devil does not want you to know that.

# 226 A dangerous yet safety weapon that protects and saves.

#226

A couple months ago my friend was being transported by a company that was state funded to offer services to get her to doctor appointments . In route to her appointments she often meets many drivers that will converse and share stories that are both interesting and uplifting that on occasion she will share with me. That I will either be brought to tears or left thinking about my own selfishness . This one story she told me in particular I cannot seem to forget . Of a driver that had a cross hanging from his mirror and my friend remarked on its beauty and the driver asked my friend what the cross ment to her ? Something that caught my friend off guard as she has never been asked a question like that by a stranger. It got me thinking as well . What does the cross mean to me ? I mean really? If you had to really think about it . Give one word on your death bed to someone . Describing to them , explaining to them,  even warning them . What does the cross of Jesus Christ mean to you . What does it?

It seems like as my relationship with Jesus grows  . The cross seems to be described differently through different times in my life . Like a gun to a child. As a child , a gun seems like a toy. An object you play with . Something you can just point at someone and not really hurt them . It’s just pretend . Not really real. Just for fun. Friendly. The cross was kinda like that for me as a child. Fun . Not real . Really. Pretend .  Jesus was friendly . A good guy. Like santa. Not really real. Just someone I read about in books. As I grew to be a teenager and learned the truth about both weapons . Jesus and guns. I learned what guns and Jesus were about and that they were both more dangerous and something that really was not for me and not really “my thing. “They were more for the hunters and the holy rollers. Why would I need to carry both a gun and a bible?  Everything in my teenage life was pretty good. I did not really grow up with guns . I grew up to respect guns but not flaunt guns all over the place and push my gun laws on the next person. Same way with my religion.  I grew up with Jesus Christ in my home but learned at a early age to not push him on other people.  If people want to bare arms . It is their right . If people do not want to bare arms . It is their right. If people want to exercise their freedom of religion . It is their right . If they choose not too . It is their right .  It is what our Forefathers fought for. Same as the cross of Jesus Christ. That is how I looked at the cross. I was never offended if it was up on the courthouse lawn. I seen one every morning walking into school. I was never scared if I seen a gun rack hanging in someone’s truck. My Uncles were hunters it was normal. Seeing the cross daily was normal. I seen one so much that it was as normal to me as the clock on the wall. So to ask me what I thought about the cross as a teenager in one word . It would probably be the same word I would be giving you if you asked me as a teenager about what I thought about the clock on the wall and it would start with something like , ” huh ?”  Because I was a teenager once and I am learning that all teenagers are ding dongs and tend to zone out at the first word you ask when you ask something that starts out with, ” what is the first word you think of when …. “(they completely zone out).

I’m learning a lot being home with my teenager , my eight year old ,six year old and my husband this last week since the covid-19 has kept us together in our home and away from social gatherings , functions and on the go none stop. I am learning that teenagers really are not ding dongs at all as long as you are right beside them . Teaching them and not zoning out yourself. Teenagers mimic their surroundings. It falls on the parents and I hate to admit that but it is true. I have taught my daughter Carly more about cooking and housekeeping more in this last week then she has learned in her fourteen years and that is because she has been too busy on the volleyball court, basketball games and soccer practice. Sports have become an all around thing and not just an extra curricular activity . When she is not doing what she loves . She is doing school work . So I ask you ? When is there time for her to learn to cook and clean ? Something had to give . God knew I was not looking to the cross for answers and he knew I knew better. 
I have also learned so much in this last week from my two little girls.  I have learned to color with them and play games with them I have never played with them before . I am learning to finally give them the time they deserve.  I am giving my husband the time he deserves as well. To be the man of the house. To have the living room to himself. The t.v to himself. (It is a shame he cannot watch any basketball or live golf but it is all for the cause ) but he does have his wife now sitting next to him holding his hand or laying beside him every chance she gets watching tennis reruns.  Yes , my husband and Carly have now moved on to tennis and I have no idea why ?  But I must admit it is nice to see them enjoying a sport together that Carly is not playing . Where Carey is not sharing his wisdom and Carly is not zoning out.

#226

Looking at the world and the shape it is in today . I can honestly say I feel just as safe and secure as a person sitting on their front porch rocking in a chair with a loaded pistol in their hand when I think of the cross , Jesus Christ and covid-19. I feel protected . I see hope in the cross even in a hopeless situation . Where store shelves are bare and toliet paper is scarce. I know that I have a friend in Jesus Christ that was with me as a child . Who is still with me as an adult.  Who was never a fairytail or a myth. Who is gonna provide my daily needs . I do not have to spend my day worrying . I can spend my day enjoying my family and use this time to our advantage . To laugh , to love and to really get a chance to live. That is what life is really all about. It is not about worrying about tomorrow. For tomorrow will worry about itself . Each day has enough trouble of its own. God said so himself in the words that he left us in the book of Matthew .

I do not know what the cross means to you . My only hope and prayer is that in good times and in troubled times such as these times that you have Jesus Christ in your heart and that you lean on the cross that he died on and rose from and know that God hears all prayers. Pray for all people. The sick. The scared. The healthy.  The troubled. The workers . The farmers . The hospitals . The Doctors and Nurses. The medical staff and all the workers in the healthcare system and everyone that must report to work to keep the world going right now. The restaurants and all their employees. Pray for peace and patience.  Pray for the disappointed. Pray for the children . The young and the old and the people in between. Pray for the married and the unmarried. Pray for the strong and the weak. Pray for all churches.  Pray for all nations and pray for our President and Congress. That as a people we can learn what God is trying to tell us . Though he may be silent . All teachers are silent during the tests . We will get through this and when we do God will see who looked to the cross and who did not. It is impossible to please God without Faith and the devil does not want you to know that.

#225 When a brother lays down his own life. Remember it.

#225

One image that comes to mind that I cannot seem to shake that seems to bring me both comfort and security is the image of Jesus with his disciples at the last supper . Not only is it the very reminder that we are to remain one body , in him . A family that comes together to remember our Savior through the blood he shed, the body he gave and rejoice that sin is no more . Our sins are forgiven . Go in peace. I don’t know about you but that is a huge comfort to me . Especially knowing what is going on in the world today . It had to be a huge comfort to the disciples to hear the same words from their teacher , their Master, their Lord. Even though they were confused and had no idea what the future held for their Messiah . They still took the bread as his body and ate and drank from the cup which was his blood and drank and in all the bibles and books and translations I have ever read of all the different dialects of scripture not one time did it mention any of the disciples asking for a little cup because they did not want to get the germs of the disciple  Simon Peter ” because Jesus , this guy keeps hacking on my shoulder and I am not about to get his germs  . Cover your mouth man ” How many times have you thought that in the last week or two when someone beside you starts in on a coughing jag? It’s worse when the hacker is you . Don’t you find yourself coughing once and either excusing yourself because you fear you have already been targeted as a corona carrier or you start apologizing to everyone around you swearing your not sick at all and you have not been on a trip to China. What have we become as a Nation ? I have a friend who is of oriental descent and has already been a target of nasty digs and slide glares just because the virus started in China . Who needs the devil to start virus’s when he has the sin that lives in each of us that is a virus in itself that we can start and spread among ourselves just by our own very nature without coughing and sneezing on eachother but simply by the glares we give and the things we say when we really don’t say anything at all except ” stay away from her , she’s chinese. ” That is not only sad . It is ignorant. What I also find ignorant is the boo hooing everyone is doing about things being closed down . Shut down and cancelled. I don’t like it anymore then the next person. But this virus is not a joke. When a brother lays down his life for another brother we are to learn from that. That is exactly what China did for America whether some see it or not. So many lost their lives because they continued to go to work . Continued to live their lives and spread their germs . They did not contain it . They did not get a handle on it . Italy got smart and started asking people to Not come to their Country. They did not want the tourists. Do you know how much money that Country is losing by the day ? By the hour? This virus is not a joke.  It is 10x worse then the average flu should you get it. A person with a weak immune system or one that is already compromised like someone who is already battling cancer or who has battled cancer and has an immune system that has been compromised by radiation and chemotherapy must re think their position should they be out and about. How bout the elderly. They cannot even fight the regular flu. I know from personal experience.  I lost a healthy Grandfather last year to something that started as a cold and went into a respiratory issue overnight which lead to pneumonia. Because his immune system was too weak to fight something as simple as a cold. He would never have been able to fight this corona and if he were around today. I assure you my Mom would be putting a pad lock on his door to keep him in the house and safe from going out . Not because we would have wanted him to be a prisoner of his home but because there would be nothing out there he would need that would be important enough that we would ever want to put his health and life in jeopardy . Every situation and every person is different. Not every person has a compromised immune system but the point I am trying to make is that we are all in this world together and there have always been illnesses and there are always going to be illnesses and viruses . We must learn from this.  We must learn like Italy. They shut their Country down early and so far has had a less death toll then China I believe. I know it seems irrational but I support America in their efforts to play it safe . Especially when they stand to lose billions and billions of dollars in revenue . That should tell you something right there people.  This virus is something they are trying to contain and get a handle on and they need our help to do it. Wash your hands . Cover your mouth when you cough and sneeze . You should be doing that anyhow.

#225

There is one area in my life where I do walk in faith and not by medical facts. The Communion cup. You will never see me drink from those little individual communion cups . It is true I am a germaphobe by nature . You will never see me drink from my own children’s cup at the dinner table . Eat off their spoon or off my husband’s plate. Nope. My husband on the other hand will eat all our childrens leftovers . The half eaten chicken strip, the left over fries . The cheeseburger with one bite mark. Nope . Not me. Just the thought upsets my stomach. So why then am I ok with drinking out of the communion cup when I can hear a person down the pew coughing who I know is going to be drinking out of the same cup and not be bothered one bit ? And walk away and days later with no cough ? As healthy as a horse. When I am kneeling at my communion rail . I am in the company of all the Angels , the Saints and the heavens . My Lord has ripped the veil and there is no more  disease , death , sin and the devil . My sickness and the man next to me coughing is now healed and cleansed and we are made anew . We are there on our knees together as one family , breaking bread . With no worries of this present world and whats going on outside those church doors . What is being canceled today or next week. We are grateful for this very present moment at hand with our Savior Jesus Christ . To be with him, in him and to remember him and know he is preparing a place for us with him and we will one day rest with him until he comes back for us . When I walk away from my alter I don’t fear a virus because I know it is the virus that fears us . We have the power in our own hands to eliminate this virus and that is to stick together as a family and wash our hands and sanitize and be smart and Courteous toward one another. Learn from our fellow countries who learned the hard way and pray for one another. Pray for the weak who are sick right now. Pray for those who were sick before the virus came to our great nation and pray for patience and peace because we will get through this time together . Maybe this is God’s way of saying it was time for us all to take a break and spend some much needed time with your families . You do not always need to be on the go doing so much.  If he does not find a way to stop us somehow . We will never stop until it is too late and life really is too short not to stop and remember the one who took away our sins and gave us a chance for eternal life. I thank God for China and that those lives and all the lives lost so far due to this corona virus have not gone in vein for they might have sparred myself ,my parents , a family member or my own child just by the events that have been canceled so far. Their lives had a purpose. They laid down their lives for us Americans and I pray we as Americans can remember that and one day appreciate that and instead of blaming them for a virus . Learn to thank them for outing a virus that I know the brilliant minds, gifted God minds will come up with a vaccine to protect against that virus that took so many yet saved so many by warning all of us to stay home just so they can contain it and not spread it because the world is not an alter and germs do get spread among the dying and at the alter it is opposite. We are reminded that germs do not spread , they get squashed because we are among the living and the devil does not want you to know that.

#224 Pray for me , Bless them.

This morning I was scheduled for a piriformis injection. Unless your a runner, athlete, have had trouble with your piriformis muscle or you paid good attention in health class . You probably have no idea what the piriformis muscle does or where it is located in the body or that you even have one and what happens when you tick the little demon off. For starters the piriformis is a small muscle located deep in the buttock, behind the gluteus maximus.  Yet it runs diagonal from the upper spine but just above your femur. With the sciatic nerve running underneath or through the muscle and let me just say this piriformis muscle may be the size of a kiwi but when you make it mad or it gets inflamed, irritated or tight everything that it effects is compromised because that piriformis muscle is responsible for so much. This muscle is a small stabilizer muscle located beneath the bigger gluteal muscles and on top of the sciatic nerve. It is responsible for hip rotation , internal rotation . That muscle alone helps you walk. People with tight piriformis muscles kinda have a ‘duck like’ walk. If you want to know why I am giving you a little bit of health .com and health history of myself it is to prove that we all suffer from something inside us that has caused some kind of trauma on us or long lasting effect that we must all deal with that you cannot see on the outside . To the outside world . I look like I have it made in the shade. No one had a clue what trauma that muscle caused my body and the doctors not being able to give the orders for the physical therapists to rub that muscle out and get it off my sciatic nerve for 7 mos did to me. Not only physically but psychologically. It was hell explaining my story over and over again and limping up to my communion rail every wednesday wondering if God was really hearing me ? Was this some kind of joke ? I cannot sit on my behind yet the doctor’s orders keep telling me to rest ? Because I had so much back pain in my lower spine . I wonder why ? Do you know what rest means to me ? Sitting . Do you know the worst thing you can do to the piriformis muscle ? Sit on it. For  months I sat and rested and did everything I was told by man to do and I got worse and I got laughed at when I asked for a cane because I could not walk  from couch to chair and I began to get bitter . The more bitter I got. The fatter I got ,the more medications I got put on . It was a vicious horriable cycle . That I remember one day driving with my friend and partner in crime Ethel . Talking about how far I have came without going off the deep end as she was starting physical therapy herself and one area they were targeting and one word that came up was the piriformis muscle. You should have seen my face. I was like get up . We will not be sitting down too much . We will be stretching out that little demon with the stretches I got given to me from day one that I was told NOT do for 5 months . Those stretches could have actually saved me my job but instead it cost me my job. Had I only paid more attention in health class and knew more about my own body . I could have helped myself.

#224
That day while talking with my friend. She could not believe that I went so long dealing with such pain . That she could hardly bare it for just a few days. That I remember telling her that it was all Christ. He truly took the blunt of that pain from me. The most painful days I had were the days I held on to the bitter in my heart but when I asked Jesus to pray for me. Forgive me for the anger I feel about the situation , remove this bitter seed that the devil keeps trying to plant everytime this muscle flares up and reminds me that my body will never be the same . I had a traumatic  injury . Period. It never got handled right. God knows . I know it and he will handle it and I need to have patience and let him do so in his good and right timing. Never ever intentionally or nonintentionally hurt a child of God and effect their life forever without telling the Lord your sorry and asking the Lord to pray for you and bless the child you hurt.
Because if you don’t. It WILL NEVER sit right with him. In this life or the next. Before I go to bed at night . The first thing I do and I beg you to do the same .  Ask the Lord for help in doing so but to pray for those who have wronged you and hurt you but to ask the Lord for help in praying for those who have caused you pain but to also help you to ask him to Bless them. Forgive you if you have caused any pain to others. Bless those that you have. That is incredibly hard but it must be done. You see ,someone was praying for me and that is why this traumatic accident happened to me. Do you know how many times I believed that people that sat on there butts all day and did not work with kids got big tax checks ? And I judged them harshly? I am here to tell you . They do not. Stop judging them. I have 3 children under the age of 15 and me and my husband got zero dollars from federal government this year. First time in my life I never received a tax check . It is actually the first time in my life I never worked or paid taxes. You do not get the earned income tax credit without a W2 form. Or we would have got 6500.00 dollars with just 3 children. Now I ask you. Do you not think I would work for even just that tax exemption? Darn straight I would. I think the guy at the library said it best when he did our taxes and said he needed a drink on our behalf. I am pretty sure my husband wanted to cry. Yet I just sat there. No shock really . Because I know my body. If I could work . I am pretty sure I would have much rather kept the job I was 4 years away from being 20 years vested in then not work at all. Some say, go find a lighter job . Really ? Would you let me drive your school bus with your children on it when I’m on 6 different medications because I cannot sit or stand more then 15 minutes in one spot without medicine that makes me so sleepy that all I want to do is sleep and then there is a pill for that . So when people see me , they see a healthy person loving life. God is good ! My point in all of this is that my lord loved me so much that he put an end to my judging another’s pain by letting me walk in another’s shoes by letting me live in a pain that is worse then any other pain you will ever experience . Because it is not noted by the color pink , it is not recognized so easily by the loss of hair but it comes in the form of invisibility.  It is the kind of pain that goes unnoticed. The kind of pain that people laugh at, mock and make fun of because to the eye you look perfectly fine. So why are you parking in that handicap spot ? Why do you sit at home all day and live off the government and do nothing ? Why arn’t you more social? We just dont understand why you can’t be at every function like us ?! Why you cannot be on every committee or volunteer the way most parents do?! They’re just being lazy. They got time for everything else. I’ll tell you why . Because there is a pain out there that goes unnoticed , untalked about and ignored. That pain is called chronic pain and it effects more then just a person’s physical body . But it effects a person’s mind ,body and soul . Because we are losing more and more people everyday to suicide and drug addiction . Because they believe they are the only ones in pain and that is not true and it is about time for our church’s, God’s people ,friends and our brothers and sisters in christ to start talking about it . Whether they have chronic pain , depression or mental illness to reach out to others and not bury it any longer but to expose it for what it is and help others like Lucy did for her friend Ethel and her piriformis muscle a few weeks back. So she would not suffer the long term lasting effects that I must suffer with because no one was there to help me with mine. While some people knew about the muscle , I never talked about it until the damage was done . I kept it to myself and no one could really tell how much pain I was actually in causing long lasting damage that has now caused just as much damage to me mentally as it has physically and the Devil does not want you to know that.